I’ve spent the last four years of my life angry and sad. Losing my father, depression following the twins birth, and multiple family issues was more than I could handle alone. I went to a dark and angry place. A lot of my time was spent chasing personal goals where I would find momentary security and happiness. They would bring fleeting moments of peace. I was trying to be a good person and did believe I was saved even though I wasn't experiencing a personal relationship with Christ. On the outside I was a decent person, but on the inside I was angry at God for not answering my prayers about saving my father and for my unhappiness. I wanted to be a better Christian, wife, and mother and was experiencing a lot of guilt about not doing enough for my family, for not showing enough love, and for not sharing myself enough. I was never enough and was exhausted trying to be my definition of enough. I even felt guilty about my lack of church involvement so I joined a D Life when asked. I had no idea at the time how that would change my life. During this time one of my group members started facing a similar struggle I had experienced. The difference was she was trusting God’s plan and leaned on Him for comfort. I watched her deal with the pain and stress and use it to glorify God. I will forever be grateful for her example.
Several months ago Stan started preaching on being justified through faith instead of works. I started reading more on my own and discussing in my D Life. I realized my lack of faith and my obsession with my own personal goals was a major source of my unhappiness. I became aware I wasn’t actually saved through faith, I was dead in my own trespasses and sins and trying to save myself. I surrendered my life, gave Him all my hurts, and started focusing on my Savior and not myself.
Setting aside time every day for worship, prayer, and devotion keeps me focused and I’m thankful for the accountability I find in my D Life. I still have a lot of selfish moments, but ultimately my goal has changed from a self serving hunt for happiness to a strong desire to share Christ’s love. While I’m not sure exactly how He will use us, I’m excited to see where He takes my family in the future. I know it won’t always be easy but that’s okay because there is freedom and peace in letting go and trusting in His will.
Worship plays such a huge part in my life I wanted to close with a verse from my favorite song:
There’s a calm that covers me When I kneel down at Your feet It’s a place of healing
It’s a place where I find freedom
There’s no one that can bring me peace
That can wash me clean
Like you Lord
There’s nothing in this world that can bring me peace You saved my soul.
- Casey Farr